You can’t do what you should be able to do because your autoimmune system is hurting you, the normal cell, by treating you as an enemy due to the psychological wounds.
If you concentrate on cleaning up your room, you should be able to do it properly, but you can’t and your room is a mess. You look at the messy room and think, “I should be able to do it, so why don’t I?” You have no idea that you are attacking and hurting yourself when you are thinking, “I should be able to keep my room perfectly tidy.
The higher the expectation that “I should be able to clean up my room perfectly,” the greater the psychological damage when you fail to do so.
The higher your expectations are, the greater the psychological damage will be when you fail to do so. The greater the drop, the more you lose confidence, and the longer it takes you to recover from that, because the damage from the drop from your expectations causes a terrible inflammation. The higher the expectation, the greater and greater the damage when you are pushed down from it.
And when you think about the damage when you fail and fall from your high expectations, you will become too scared to act, so you won’t be able to clean up the mess.
Even if you buy books, you just keep them in a pile and don’t read them. And the unread books accumulate on the bookshelf. In the same way, the expectation of oneself to “read the book, understand the contents perfectly, and absorb the important things from it” is too high. So if you think about the mental damage if you read it and don’t understand the contents at all, you will be “afraid to read it,” so you won’t be able to start reading it (you won’t be able to realize that you are “afraid to read it,” and you will feel like a million bucks, or tired even before reading it).
And every time you look at the pile of books you haven’t read and think, “I really should be able to read, but I can’t,” you add to the mental damage of being knocked to the ground from a height of 100 meters. Because when you don’t read it, you have failed your own expectations. Then it becomes “I’m tired just looking at the books in the pile” because of the mental damage sustained from falling short of my expectations. And then you are in a state where you are not left with the mental capacity to dispose of them, and you continue to suffer from the damage. This is exactly the state in which peripheral immune cells become active in the latent inflammation of mental wounds and continue to attack normal cells as if they were the enemy.
This original psychological wound becomes the “disappointing child” of childhood. Parents try to resolve the sense of inadequacy in their children’s lives, that life has not turned out the way they wanted it to. They give their children lessons and such and hope that maybe this child will develop a talent that they could not have. If this doesn’t happen, even a little, the child becomes a “disappointment.” The higher the parent’s expectations are, the more disappointed they are when the child is a “disappointment,” and the more anger they feel, saying, “I should never have given birth to such a child. For the child, this becomes a fear of being killed, and the latent inflammation remains as a psychological scar.
When a child shows a little interest, parents hope that “maybe this child has a talent. But a child’s interests are constantly shifting. If the child loses interest in something that the parents have selfishly expected, the child becomes a “disappointment” in the parents’ minds. The child’s emotional scars (latent inflammation) become the result of the loss to the parents, as the parents feel that they should not have expected the child to do what they wanted.
For example, when a parent tosses a young child in the air, “Higher! Higher!” and the child who is caught rejoices, “Cackle!” This is an image of a happy parent and child. The parent repeatedly does this because it makes the child happy, and they enjoy it together. But in the case of a “disappointing child,” the parent will say, “It will go up higher!” and if the child does not climb as high as the parent expects, the parent will not accept the child and drop him or her. The child thinks that the parent tossed him up to please him, but when he falls, the parent has a blank expression on his face, thinking that he did not meet their expectations, and he falls to the ground without being accepted. That is the image of the “disappointing child.”
A child who is disappointed by his or her parents’ selfish expectations takes such damage in his or her mind, which remains as latent inflammation into adulthood. Then, the latent inflammation causes peripheral immune cells to become active, attacking normal cells and decreasing cognitive function, resulting in disorientation and higher expectations of oneself (as written in the narrative).
In addition, since cognitive function is also impaired and executive dysfunction is occurring, you become a “disappointing child” because you cannot plan your actions, and by blaming yourself even more for not being good enough, your autoimmunity goes out of control and attacks you as an enemy, damaging you and making you immobile.
In the case of the “annoying child” I was writing about before, because the autoimmunity runs out of control and considers normal cells as enemies, the people around him look like enemies, and he blames the people around him, saying, “This happened because of that person.
However, in the case of this “disappointed child’s” psychological trauma, it seems that he blames the others for “disappointing him,” but in reality, he blames “me, the one who failed to meet their expectations,” attacking and destroying himself. The reason why he/she blames the other person is because his/her autoimmune system is out of control and attacks normal cells as if they were the enemy. But in reality, he is not attacking the other person, he is attacking “me, the one who did not meet thier expectations.” Therefore, if he does not realize that he is blaming “me for not meeting their expectations,” his attachment to the other person will never disappear.
So, when you feel that the other person has betrayed your expectations, it is important to realize that your autoimmunity is out of control and you are attacking yourself as “disappointing child.
Then, the autoimmune reaction is cured, and you stop attacking yourself.
Then your cognitive functions will return to normal and you will be able to do what you are capable of doing.
Then you will be able to praise yourself for throwing out a piece of trash.
Furthermore, you will be able to be proud of yourself for reading a few pages of a book.
And you will be free to do what you want to do and enjoy it without being bound by anyone’s expectations (all written in narrative).